Am I where You want me?
Blank slate…kind of. More like…too much to say about essentially one thing and no idea where to start. Blank slate…seems “safer”. And I don’t wanna be “safe” I wanna know where I need to be. If I am already where I should be. I can’t tell as of yet one way or the other. But it was made quite clear that I need to be on the “figure out” a whole lot sooner than I planned. Yeah…not about me. Not even about them. About Him. Always…even when I wanna punch someone’s head through the wall. Or whatever. Cause “we’re gonna be alright”. Yup…very true. Just not a big fan of this current “spot” I guess you could call it.
It’s not really a good sign when you leave somewhere that once made your soul jump and leap and do back flips suddenly leaves you feeling like you’re gonna throw up. Yeah…I didn’t share that earlier cause I just wasn’t sure I wanted to. But now, hey, it’s in the blog for the world to see. So I guess it’s okay if you see it. Or maybe not cause I might make this private. And keep it to myself essentially this time around.
I can’t worry about “what if’s”. I can’t worry about possible “good-byes”. I can’t even think about that. God where do you want me? MCC? Some place else?
I think I’ve said all I can right now. Maybe not in the most ideal fashion but this would sure beat having to have the same conversation over and over and over. Or maybe not at all.
Friendship: An Examination of Conscience
Ask yourself these questions to find out if your friendships are healthy or if they are risking idolatry.
1. Am I jealous of my friend’s time?
There’s no point in my being jealous of a friend’s time. Whether it is spent with me or not. A friend’s time is a friend’s time and I respect and appreciate the amount I get to spend with different friends. So to simplify the answer…no I’m not jealous of my friend’s time. No matter which friend you’re asking about.
2. When I am praying with my friend, do I place more importance on being with her or with God?
It’s important to me to acknowledge being with God while in the presence of friends. However, I cannot really say that I’ve prayed with friends enough times to truly know this answer on a personal one-on-one or group of friends setting.
3. Am I able to truly pray for God’s will in my friend’s life?
Yes. I want what’s best for my friends and God’s will (his best) is the best that could be for my friends. So even when it may be something that I’m not a big fan of, I will pray for it because I want God’s best for that person (or people) .
4. When someone else is spending time with my friend, what is my first thought? My second?
I don’t even always know what my friends are doing. I’m not a psycho stalker. We have lives outside of each other, friendships outside of each other. So it’s not so much that I don’t think about it, but I don’t worry about “oh great…now I’ll see less of this person” either. There’s no need. I spend time with my friends whether face to face, chatting online or texting when we are able and that is perfectly fine with me.
5. Am I insecure about my friendship’s ability to last?
Nope. If a friendship is meant to last it will. I would drive myself crazy walking around all the time questioning every friendship I have. Realistically I know, not all the friendships I have now will remain. Some will die completely, some will grow deeper and others will just maintain the status quo.
6. Do I fear God’s plan for my friend’s life? Do I worry if it will include me?
Fear it?! Why don’t you just ask me if I fear God will stop existing. That’s a stupid question for me to worry about. God knows what will happen with every friendship. And again, I don’t need to make myself crazy worrying about the status of friendships I have or will gain in the future.
7. Do I have to be the most significant person at all times in her life?
Nope. And I wouldn’t wanna be. I’m perfectly content with being one of many friends for tons of people. There are a few people that I am closer with than others, but that is how it should be. I don’t need 2000 people knowing every little detail about me and my life. And I don’t need to know every little detail about 2000 people and their lives either. That’s just insane. And would make it impossible to be fully present if my mind is racing about everyone else while I’m with a particular group or individual.
8. Do I find myself manipulating circumstances so that we can spend time together?
I don’t have the time or resources to manipulate things like that. Nor the personality to even consider such a thought. Not to mention, there are those things called circumstances beyond my control that can’t be changed too. Which makes it so much easier to enjoy the times I do get to spend with friends. Manipulation is a negative tool and I wouldn’t feel like I deserved the time if I manipulated for it.
9. Am I honestly excited when my friend gets to be used by God in another person’s life, or do I wish I could have been a part?
Completely excited. I love hearing about those times. I’m not the only person God works through. That’d be kind of hard to do since I don’t even know every person in the city of Manchester…never mind every person on this planet. So no, I don’t feel like I want a piece of the “thunder” of being used by God that my friends get when it’s a situation that doesn’t involve me.
10. Am I jealous of signs of affection between my friend and others (gifts, hugs, etc.)?
No. Not at all. Don’t see the point in being jealous. Again…my friends and I have friends outside of each other.
11. Am I fearful of losing my friend?
Why…so I can drive myself crazy freaking out about that too? No thank you. If a friendship is supposed to end, it will end. Whether I want it to or not. Whether I like it or not. It doesn’t scare me. But I’m not a fan of the concept either.
12. Is God enough?
More than. If only I could truly live that out all the time.
13. Do I have faith in God’s care over me?
Yes I do. He’s been taking care of me since forever. I see no reason to worry that He would stop.
14. Do I have faith in God’s sufficiency for me?
Yup. But again…living it out all the time would be fantastic.
15. Do I understand that I deserve nothing of what I have?
Yup. It’s kinda cool to think about. Makes the grace that covers my life so much sweeter. Cause I don’t deserve it. I do things to screw it up all the time. It’s still there.
Definitely think you should all take the time to think about and answers these questions too. Even if you don’t share them with others…just to kind of evaluate yourself in your friendships.
*Got these from a STV article, magazine for FCA.
http://www.sharingthevictory.com/vsItemDisplay.lsp&objectID=7E655501-9021-44CD-A3F03936A20F371F&method=display
We’ll see how this all goes…
I began putting words down on paper…well relatively speaking…for my newest book idea last night. Knowing the subject matter I desire to tackle in this new book I figured it should be easy. Since it’s my reflection on the whole experience. Well maybe I was a little bit disillusioned with that idea. At least in terms of reliving some of the tough emotions in different moments that I’m looking back on for this new project. And of course there is the need to be sensitive to certain topics even if I am changing names. So unless you really know who’s who and who dealt with what, you’ll never be able to tell for sure. Don’t ask me either cause I’m not telling you.
Right now I’m in the process of sort of describing what this book or “story” as it’s been dubbed within its text is going to tell you, the reader. Also I’ve sort of begun to describe the main characters and their personalities too. Not so much into the serious struggles and emotional portions just yet.
If you asked me why I’m doing this I can’t really be sure. The only answer I can give you is that I remember someone (not protecting this person I just can’t remember who it was) said I could write a book with all the things I’ve experienced in being involved with a high school girls small group for 2 years and this one being the third year so far. After much consideration and different times of at least trying to change names I’m finally getting past all the logistics to protect everyone involved in what I have to say. Now I’m getting to the good stuff…well the meat of the story. Cause some of it is not so good.
If any of you girls are reading this and freaking out, please don’t worry. I’m not gonna give gory details that were meant to stay between you and I. And I’m certainly not gonna copy and paste word for word any conversations we’ve ever had. I’m reflecting on everything. Giving my side of what was seen and heard.
The curtain’s up….what are you doing with it?
Jamie Tworkowski, founder of TWLOHA, was given the opportunity to write a blog for Alternative Press magazine online. Pretty sweet stuff. I’ll share the link so you can read if you want. But I also wanted to ask and answer his questions. The main jump off for his post.
If someone gave you a microphone and a stage, what would you say and what would you sing? Whether the crowd was 10 people or 10,000, what would you make with the moment?
I am not so sure about what I’d sing but I definitely have a few things to say because this is my blog so hey doesn’t that make it my stage?
Life is a never ending adventure. Sometimes it requires us to throw on our capes and be the hero. Sometimes we are the damsel in distress in need of the hero. Whatever the case may be, each life is different, and each life matters. To someone. Somewhere. Most importantly, every life and every breath breathed on planet Earth matters to the One who created it all. And always will…whether you acknowledge Him as Creator or not. Whether you look to God for guidance and direction or not, you matter to Him because He created you!
We all have a story to tell. Some choose to tell it in writing. Some paint, draw, take pictures. Some of us use our athletic abilities to tell our story or musical talents. There are also stories told in the pain and despair of life and situations thrown our way. There are stories of darkness too. Emptiness. Tragedy. You might not want to admit or acknowledge but there are even stories told with scars. Mentally, emotionally, physically and ya even spiritually. Along with the stories of love. Happiness. Light. All the world really is a stage and it’s up to you and me what we do with our stage when the curtains open and the lights go on.
I was going to write a letter to the frontmen–the folks who sing in bands. I was going to say that there should be a system or some classes where they would be reminded that music is a very special thing; something not unlike a miracle, rich with history and the potential to move people and change lives. They would learn about urgency and honesty, the value of a moment and a song’s unique ability to cause people to feel, to remind them that they’re alive and that life is worth living.
This paragraph in Jamie’s post reminded me of something significant I learned last week. About a teenager whom I love so deeply that her words I swear crushed my soul for a few minutes. Until I reminded myself that she is still here and still breathing.
We are alive and life is worth living and I pray deeply with sincerity that I hope jumps out of my skin that if you get nothing else out of this post you would resonate with that deep in your souls! We are not dead. We are not forgotten. I am not dead. I am not forgotten. You are not dead. You are not forgotten. You are alive.
I am still not 100% sure what I would sing if I had the opportunity. But I think, for now, it might be “My Heart” by Paramore. Minus the screaming part. Or Sanctus Real’s new song “Forgiven”.
http://www.altpress.com/features/blogtwloha.htm
If someone gave you a microphone and a stage, what would you say and what would you sing? Whether the crowd was 10 people or 10,000, what would you make with the moment?
I haven’t forgotten…
I remember where I was. Walking the halls of West High School. It’s a situation I can tell you my outfit on that particular day as well. Green plaid shirt over green tank top and jeans. Writing novels instead of notes to friends that day. Expressing sadness, shock and disgust that humans could be so terrible to fellow humans. That the lives of those on the planes and in the buildings were seen as worthless.
Being one of the students in my algebra class begging our teacher to let us turn on the tv to watch the news. And really, I don’t think it was just because none of us wanting to do schoolwork. Although, obviously, none of us were complaining about not having to do any. Something terrible was happening to our country and we wanted to know what it was. And not when we got home after school, but right then, as it unfolded that Tuesday morning.
I don’t remember who it was now but I knew people who were supposed to have been on the flight out of Boston that day. But for one reason or another, they didn’t get on it. Relatives of friends worked in NYC or maybe right in or near the WTC, I can’t remember anymore. But I know for some of my closest friends, relief of not losing loved ones that day really hit. At the same time the grief and sadness for all the lives that were lost was hitting.
Such a day in history that I cannot forget. And I don’t plan on forgetting anytime soon.
This is what happens when I’m still and silent…
Have you ever looked back at things you’ve written in the past? Have you seen the hurt jumping off the page in the most genuine way that it broke your heart for the you that once was?
Honestly I experienced it not too long ago. In working on my book I decided I would reread my story that I wrote in high school. During the worst time of my life. When my life consisted of cutting and constantly fighting with friends. Losing friends over things that were petty and dumb. Plus a few other things that I won’t tell you.
I don’t remember why I started the story or why I wrote it the way I did but I guess knowing the things I went through, it makes perfect sense that it would be written that way.
I looked at this particular part of the story and I actually cried. Not because of what was going on in the story but because I knew that the things I had expressed in the story at the time were also really going on in my heart in sync with the words on that page. The worst feeling back than was hands down feeling like my best friend didn’t need me. And that, was the scene being played out in the story. The scene that made me cry. Almost 8 years later.
Right now, I feel like I could cry thinking about the friends I lost back then because we’re talking again. We’ve spent time together. And to think, I just lost my temper and exploding over nothing at one of them. That friendship isn’t one I should be fortunate to have again. Even if it’s no where near what it used to be.
Okay I need to stop now. This is getting too overwhelming to think about. All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you!
Link to my thoughts about Josh Hamilton :)
http://sportales.com/baseball/hamilton-is-human-too/
Okay here’s the deal. This is the post I wrote about the Josh Hamilton situation. That I promised would appear. I’m currently writing in two spots online. When it’s personal issues and whatever the direct thought process will be posted here. If it’s something like this, I’ll post the link to it after it gets published.
Hamster wheels in the head
The wheels in my head are spinning. Pretty fast. Kind of like a hamster hyped up on Monster or something. One’s spinning around about school and all the financial implications of that. Another one is thinking about my personal relationship with God and how to better that all the time. Yet there is another wheel spinning in my head thinking about the relationships in my life, both past and present. But the wheel I am intently focused on at this exact moment is the one that is spinning around thoughts of the “Life Hurts, God Heals” ministry.
It’s kind of going full speed with thoughts of how, what, where, when, who and why. The two questions I can answer right at this moment are the “who” and “why”.
Who? Students who are broken, hung up on or by something/someone and want to be healed of those things.
Why? Because students need to break the chains of hurts and addictions in their lives too. And I very much want to be a part of that however God wants me to.
Wheels in my head are always spinning about different things, different people, different opportunities, with different bits of knowledge. Sometimes it’s hard to grasp any of it. Sometimes I tune out my own thoughts because I can’t be bothered to think about them. But this one…I can’t not think about it. So many things to figure out, questions to ask, people to possibly recruit and all kinds of stuff I’m sure hasn’t even crossed my line of thought on this hamster wheel yet.
God knows how it’s all gonna turn out. He has all the answers. It’s just not time for them to all be revealed to me at this point. They’ll come on His time and not any faster. And even when I get stir crazy and want them sooner, I’ll have to accept that it won’t happen that way.
Friends, sunburns, worship and hardwork :)
I love the girls in my high school small group, it’s not really a secret. But this week I have spent the bulk of my days with a ton of middle school students working on different projects and relaxing on the beach. Or getting sunburnt to high Heaven (at least if you’re me 
). And loving just about every second of it. Honestly the only things I don’t love about it would be the sweating, the headaches when I’m not hydrated enough and sunburns….oh well. As much as I don’t love that stuff….completely worth it for the time spent doing what we’re doing!
Anyway…it’s been really fantastic to see some of the kids who seem to not be totally into the whole working hard way of doing things really step up and just make me say “wow…that’s so cool”. And watching some of them (both guys and girls) really bond with the refugee kids in the park and just that whole deal was fantastic to be a witness to as well. It was also cute (and quite refreshing) when the kids dumped a whole bunch of water over my head. Seriously…as much as I tried to get them not to, I couldn’t help but smile at the joy it gave them to see me sputtering as ice cold water ran down my face, into my mouth and then into my shirt…good times in the heat!
Um okay so to sum this whole thing up I really just want to say God’s really been moving in ways that I think none of us would have guessed. And also in ways that we might have guessed. Ultimately though….God knows and knew how this week would be for the students, the leaders and the people who will be or already are impacted by it.
