Did they not care enough?

Have you ever wondered why certain things in your life went the way they did?  Instead of a different and possibility better way.
So Monday night I was reading a couple stories.  The main characters in both were cutters.  Maybe not the best move on my part once I caught on to that but I kept reading.  I mean you can’t just walk away from a well written story in the middle of it can you?  No, but maybe it would have helped my day go better yesterday if I had.
Anyway as I was reading those stories I was reminded of my own struggle.  No great shocker there.  The way the characters’ friends pulled together for her and around her.
My reaction to this shocked me.  I mean it made me remember my own deal with it.  It made me remember  a time when my “need” to cut was ridiculous.  I don’t know if I ever had a reason other than “well I want to” during my junior year.  My friends, rightfully so, were annoyed.  We had all at some point or another dealt with this struggle.  Most of us at the same time.  So as I sat there reading how the stories were going, how the friends were reacting, I started getting flooded with questions about how things went down in my life.
There was a period of 3 days junior year where a friend and I weren’t friends.  Because I couldn’t or rather wouldn’t stop cutting myself.  There were many conversations before this “ending” of a friendship.  It was made pretty clear to me that if I did it again, that I was gonna be turned in.  Not even that stopped me.  I cut myself again, for reasons I have no idea what they were now.  I told my friend.  Instead of following through she walked away from me.  That makes no sense!
Okay so by now I’m sure you’re catching on that I was crabby yesterday cause I couldn’t shake the reaction of the friends in the story in comparison to the reaction of my friend in high school.  That’s only part of it though.  The other part was the fact that I couldn’t make sense of why it can apparently still bug me that things went down like they did for me and this friend.

I shouldn’t.
So I won’t.
Really.
Just pray.
Okay?

(It has nothing to do with me personally…)

What a vicious circle!

I don’t even know where to start. I mean I guess I could say I know which relationship in my life God wants me to fix? Or at least which one needs attention as it were.
For cryin’ out loud I felt like I needed to write this person’s name on my hand. So I did. In boldish capital letters. It’s still there, kinda makes me think that it’s as if that piece of my heart is visible. Makes it hard to say “ya I should make some kind of effort there” but blow it off time and time again just because he’s never responded to my questions in the past.
I’ve gotten passed the blinding red anger phase. Now it just feels like something of a dull hurt. I’m still forced to wonder what I did that we are at this place now and have been for 2 years. Knowing what our friendship was before.
Maybe some day the friend I miss will come back. The one who would spend time with me after a relationship ended to make sure I was okay. Every day. Let me be his other date to the dance after that same relationship was over. Dragged me to a ton of shoe stores to help him pick out new sneakers cause he didn’t wanna go alone.
But honestly the best memory, aside from sitting so close to him at our graduation was this….I gave up my date to the senior prom so an underclassman friend could hang out with us and be part of our night.
No date no coursage…right? Wrong! Not only did he buy a coursage for his date, he bought one for me too. Cause he didn’t want me to feel left out. I tried to play it cool. He didn’t have to do that but how sweet of him, honestly. You know it meant something to me if it still means this much five years later. And I don’t even like flowers!
Maybe I should try writing him a letter or something…..I don’t know…..

I have to say thank you! :)

So I’ve been given tons of advice and words of encouragement and such.  From tons of people.  Over my entire life.  They’ve all been significant in their moment of showing up in my life.  But there is one that every day plays in my head.  It doesn’t matter if I’m talking to any guys or not.  Doesn’t matter if I’m even thinking about them.  It’s there.  And I can’t miss it.  Kinda like a neon sign board when it’s on.  You can’t miss those!  Whatever the message it is displaying, if it’s on you’ll see it.
So this particularly thing I’m talking about.  It was said to me at the end of February.  And it’s still in my mind like it was yesterday.  And this person, has no idea how much it has helped me out.  I refuse to delete it from my phone, although even if it were to get erased I wouldnt’ be able to forget it.
Basically I just had to say thank you.  So…thanks Kristy!

Songs tell the stories

http://www.lyricsbox.com/skillet-lyrics-say-goodbye-kshm5vx.html

So I think if I were to pick any song to send to him. This would be it. Not the song by Fuel.

http://www.lyricsbox.com/papa-roach-lyrics-scars-stbdgs6.html

This song popped into my head when replaying parts of our conversation in my head.

http://www.darrellsmithmusic.com/music_pages/lyrics_notes_pages/siwwy2.html

First song I actually remembered from MCC.

Cheesecake Revelation……

Nine months of a block.  All came to a screeching halt throughout this past week.  To be completely over yesterday.   A day of significance in my life.  Coincidence?  No.  God.  It couldn’t have been anything else.  Not a chance.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I kept wondering if I was trying to force the issue.  Maybe that was why I was having a hard time writing.  Than I was thinking about going in different directions, starting over, anything but sticking with what’s there and builiding off of it for something great to happen.
Every so often people would ask about it, for a while I had no desire to touch it.  But doesn’t that kinda defeat the purpose of what sparked me to start it?  Ya, pretty much.  Good thing I didn’t give up on it.  I really don’t know what I was thinking.  But honestly, does anyone really ever know what they’re thinking?
Anyway…so this massive block in my head came crashing down.  I remembered that I had a story that was written smack in the middle of the worst part of my battle with cutting.  When I wouldn’t even really need a reason but would bring the safety pin to my skin anyway.  So I found the 7 notebooks in my room (shocking I know).  And yup, definitely have some material in them that I can use throughout the book.  Some of it might even show up as early as chapter two.  But I’m not sure yet.  The best part of it though, is the characters in that story are real people.  So you’ll kinda get a glimpse of me as a 16 year old even if you didn’t know me when I was 16.
Although I am gonna say now that a lot of the stuff that could show up in chapter 2 is pure fiction for the sake of the story that I was writing in high school.  And trust me, the real story is a lot more intense than the pieces you’ll be getting.
I told you before, I’m not giving up on account of hope.  So again, for hope’s sake, I’ll keep this book going.  If it flops, it flops but honestly, I don’t think it will.
All right I’m outta here….gotta get me some ingredients for cheesecake for tomorrow.  Don’t you wish you were gonna be able to have some?

Forget it

So leave the memories alone
I don’t want to see
The way it is, as to how it used to be
Leave the memories alone, don’t change a thing
And I’ll hold you here in my memory

Why wasn’t that enough?
How can I still not completely let it go?
I let it go, I let you go, because I had to.  I didn’t want to.  At all.  But you really left me no choice in the matter.  Letting go wasn’t supposed to hurt more than holding on.  Somehow it does.   All the time.  I thought I’d let go and move on.  HA!  Funny joke.  I let go and smiled through the pain of watching the flames destroy that picture.  I laughed as the smoke swirled in the sky.

Why does this hurt?  I can’t even say I hate you.  Because I don’t.  At all.  This one of those situations that I’d wanna talk out with you but you’re the one making me feel this way.  It’s because of you, somehow, that I feel the way I do.

Being friends with guys isn’t more fun.  It’s a pain in my ass.  Except for a very select few.  I have my ideas about why and it makes perfect sense but it doesn’t make this hurt any less.  Cause I really think you and I could have that kind of friendship.  Honestly and truly.  But I guess not since you’re not talking to me.  I don’t remember the last time we had a good conversation that didn’t end in me losing my grip on reality.  Didn’t end in my “seeing red” and not being left alone.

Screw it.  Whatever.  The end of the song says “you’ll never change” but you obviously did.  I mean, I know I did too.  But what the heck.  These changes cost me my best friend.  When they should have deepened our friendship.  Eh.  I don’t even have the energy to care anymore.  Maybe some day we’ll talk but I’ve given up on holding out hope for that one to happen.  I’m tired of being slammed by the ultimate disappoint that comes as more times passes and there’s still no conversation.  No acknowledgment of existence.

I don't want to see
 The way it is, as to how it used to be

What a bloggin’ world we live in!

I kind of have this crazy obsession lately.  I’ve been searching out different blogs to read.  The list of blogs I’m tracking has grown quite a bit.  From people I know personally to people whose path I may never cross but find them fascinating anyway.
I don’t know, it might seem weird to some.  But from where I’m sitting, the blogs are infinitely better than the things I could be filling my mind with.  Things I have filled my mind with.
I’m going to do my best to keep my eyes and thoughts on God-honoring, family-oriented, non-self destructive blog reading.  And stay away from reading other things I will not mention by name.
Well for now I must be going.  Come back later and maybe there will be something else to read.  Yeah, come back tomorrow.  I might post stuff from the book I’m writing….

Still smiling

Yesterday was a crazy day.  And yet, in the midst of all the craziness, there were some great moments.  But none greater than the one I’m about to describe to you.
Again, whether you know me personally or not, I think you’ve caught on to my love for kids.  They’re just awesome.  And it’s great to connect with them on their level.  Not always easy, but great just the same.
Okay anyway…on to yesterday’s events.  My mom had a meeting in the early evening with a group of people over at church.  I was going to 301 and would need the car to get there.  Mom was gonna ride over with Amy and Lexie was going to baby-sit Becca and Jordan.
We got down to their street and I could see Amy in the driveway watching Jordan and Becca playing in Jack’s yard with Jack.  (Haha go figure, Jack would be in his own yard.)  As soon as Becca spotted me, the most adorable smile lit up her face.  But that’s not even the cool part, cause at that moment, I was still in the car.  Fast forward about a minute and a half or so.
We’re out of the car and I’m walking toward the three playing kids.  Becca, had something else on her mind.  She was running.  Not away from me.  But to me.  If you know Becca, I’m sure you can imagine that there was nothing quiet about this event.  She was yelling her version of my name as she was heading full steam in my direction.  (I don’t remember but I don’t think I had asked for a hug yet).  I had just barely said hello when she took off in my direction.
When she’s finally in front of me, I reach down and pluck Becca off the ground.  She wraps her little arms around my neck, latches on as tight as her little body could and would not let go.  It was as if she hadn’t seen me in months or something.
So cute.