I don’t get it…

For all the terrible things I’ve ever said about her, all the times I made her out to be a deplorable human, I still haven’t shut that door completely.  It was tough at first to hear anything about her, good or bad.  Now to a certain degree I find myself asking about her or bringing her up more in conversation.  I mean it’s hard to just completely slam the door on a friendship that was once so tight and so strong.
Which again, for all the terrible things I’ve said, I really believe it was just the hurt and anger spewing everywhere and blowing everything out of proportion because as much as I was hurting to not have that friendship, I couldn’t bear to let her know it.  So I did the wrong thing, dug my heels in and spewed every negative feeling at her.   Was never actually listening to what she was saying. Had other people get involved instead of handling it completely on my own like I should have.  It was my battle to fight, not theirs and I let them take it and run with it.
When that friendship crashed at my feet, I panicked.  What was gonna happen to me now?  Would I fall into a black hole of oblivion and completely lose it or stay strong and walk away from it knowing it was for the best at that moment.  Did I have the strength required to get past it without allowing my past struggle with cutting catch up to me again.  Not even a little bit.  Cause honestly, I’m the type of person, when things hit me, they hit hard.  And since I hate crying and have gotten pretty good at not doing it for the most part, I never really seemed to anymore.  Obviously there are times when the tears outsmart me but that’s not the point.  Honestly, the fact that this particular friendship is currently at a stand still, and has been for over a year, isn’t the point either.
I just felt like it was sort of important for what I do have to say, to say that much again.  Her and I don’t talk, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know where to go to find out what’s going on in her life.  That doesn’t mean I don’t still wonder enough to check without having to ask other people what’s going on with her or anything like that.
It really blows my mind that for as smart as I would think she would be when it comes to guys, she’s really not careful.  And this time, it’s not just her own safety that could be at stake.  There is their daughter to consider also.  A daughter who isn’t even 2 years old yet.   Really, I don’t want to be so mean but her stupidity could be the death of her and based on what I’ve read lately, she doesn’t seem to care at all.  Which, shouldn’t surprise me but again, it’s not just her we’re talking about this time.
The worst part is, because we’re not talking, there’s no way I could talk to her about any of this without getting my butt chewed for reading her blog.  Just because in her mind, I’m almost 100% positive she would see it as an invasion of privacy and blah, blah, blah.  If only there was some way to talk to her about it and avoid that whole mess at the same time, I completely would give it a shot.
I saw that right around the same time I heard about 2 of my other best friends in high school getting married over the weekend.  It all, in its own right, hit me hard.  Big things…good and bad…are happening and I have no lee way to say anything to any of them about any of it.  Well…they can’t stop me from praying now can they?  No, no they can’t.  And they won’t.

You can learn a lot from chipmunk hunting…

Pain and heartache are easy to ignore at the sound of a 3 year old squealing in delight.  Love is easy to feel at the excitement written on a child’s face just seeing you stand there or hearing your voice.  Chasing chimpmunks in the backyard or covering our eyes with play-doh; all of that makes escaping the adult world simple.  Because you get so caught up in seeing the world through the eyes of a 3 year old that everything seems whole, right and in order.
Even in being torn between glad not to have to relive the pain and crushed not to be thought enough of to receive an invitation.  To a wedding between two people who once meant so much to you.  No matter what the circumstance, the world spins madly on and to see it all through the eyes of a 3 year old, could only make it better or worse.  Not both, just one or the other.  Because nothing is ever better and worse at the same time, it’s always one or the other.
Alone…is worse.
Together…is better.
Love…is better.
Hatred…is worse.
A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. – Ecc. 4:12 (NLT)

Water on the brain

As most of you (I think) know, yesterday was my birthday.  I’m 23 and as much as every year is a blessing in and of itself, in so many more ways it really is a greater blessing that I’ve gotten this far.  Not necessarily because of any struggles I’ve gone through although getting through some of them alive definitely counts.  That is not my point.
My point has to do with something you can’t see when you look at me; unless you’ve known me forever and know about what it is that I’m saying.  Cause honestly I’m sure not many of you look at me and think I don’t look “normal”.  Truthfully, I’m completely not normal but, at the same time, can function as if I am just as normal as a typical person who doesn’t have obscure health issues.
That’s not say what I do have is completely obscure but it is obscure enough.  To the point where most days I forget about it!  Yeah, sounds weird huh?  How could I forget something about my own health?  Well most days it’s easy because unless you know about it and where to find it, you can’t see anything “weird”.  Except for the “random” scars on my neck and near my throat (kind of).  I don’t spend my days explaining it to people anymore.  Although, I honestly I can’t think of a time when I did spend my days explaining it.  Usually I would just listen to my mom explain it or stand there as she showed people what she was talking about.  And who knows, maybe I’ve even stood there while she explained it to one of you.
Although, I was thinking yesterday that reaching 23 and having hydrocephalus (ah yes, I finally mention its name) with very few problems is amazing.  Especially when I think about how life could have been sooooo much different if things hadn’t been as smooth as they’ve been for me with this in 19 years.  I
know two other people who have hydrocephalus amongst a bunch of other health issues and can’t help but wonder sometimes why I’m the “normal” one of three of us.  How come I’m not in the wheelchair not wanting to wear braces on my legs so I can walk?  Why am I the one who’s only had one shunt replacement surgery in the 19 years I’ve had the thing?  How did I get to be so lucky that I can hear without hearing aids?  It just blows my mind.  Really and truly.  Like why did God not make it so that the three of us that I know with hydrocephalus didn’t go the exact some roads or have all the same health issues.  I mean, clearly, His intent was that we all go different roads and see different successes and failures.  Overall, at this very moment, I’m just glad that none of us have seen an untimely death and had life stripped away too soon.
However as I move away from that I’m moving toward describing exactly what “hydrocephalus” is, why it is and whatever else I found info on to explain.  So for those of you who are completely lost, hopefully this  link will help http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/hydrocephalus/detail_hydrocephalus.htm. That should help you understand what it is.
As for the tube that drains the water from my brain, that’s got its own special name.  And its own link for you to follow should curiosity peak. http://www.nlm.nih.gov/MEDLINEPLUS/ency/article/003019.htm.  That one’s cool…there are pictures to show you where they’re talking about and what they’re talking about.
So really, if you’ve reached this point and visited one or both links, I hope you have a better understanding of the thoughts that ran through my head.

I need you…you need me

Wow.  What a day.  I feel like going to service later in the morning, after spending time with the 2 year olds was the best thing ever.  Seriously, I was more awake and more attentive.  And maybe because I was sitting next to somebody I had just gone through the whole needing each other aspect of life with, Frank’s words spoke louder.  Rang truer than I ever remember them doing before.
Engaging in community.  What a concept to throw out there.  What a way to say “hey, you know every time you say we’re not mean to do this alone…you got it right!”  But at the same time the phrases “I need you” and “You need me” really hit today too.  I mean, they just drove home the significance of not having to face the tears alone because there’s somebody there to talk, pray for you, and just BE THERE.  If you’d only open and let them be there.  I dunno how many of you struggle with that whole thing, but I was definitely talking to myself right there.
Promising to talk to someone when something is wrong means nothing if you don’t actually talk to that person when something is wrong.  It just seems like an empty phrase to make them change the subject or just ease your conscience.   I mean why is it that we get so good at sharing the joys of our heart but at the very same time we’re just as good, if not better, at hiding the tears.  It made me wonder how and why I get so pumped to share when the next big reach for no cutting is but can’t say a single word when I’m in tears over who knows what.  It gets frustrating.  Not so much at the situation but at myself for being so stubborn and so full of pride.  It’s really not gonna kill me to own up to it when I’m upset and need somebody.  But I guess I got so good at not showing the sadness that I’ve gotta learn how.
Think about the next time you’re upset.  Ask yourself…”Is this gonna be another one of those times I face this alone or am I gonna open up and let someone in?”
Honestly I can’t tell you how much God and His perfect timing amazed me once again today.  To be sitting pretty much shoulder to shoulder with Kristy and then having Frank tell us to turn to the people next to us and say “I need you/you need me”.  Yup..it was a positive spin on the negative that instead of talking to her, I tried to handle the tears alone…And then to end the service with “We Need Each Other”…AHHH!
While I believe it is sooo important to have people within your same age range in our lives, it’s really just a number.  How am I saying that?  Well I’d be happy to tell you.  Some of the people who are my favorites are years younger than me.  And yet I can’t tell you how many times their wisdom has far exceeded their years and blown me away.  Or how many times their hearts’ desires have inspired me.
Yes, I really did just say that.  It’s entirely possible to be inspired by a group of teenagers from 14-18; even at almost 23.  And I know that doesn’t sound crazy when there are adults older than me telling about the inspirations they get from these teenagers as well.
It’s so good to know that when all the people who were my best friends for so long and were supposed to be my “best friends” have turned their backs on me; these teenagers have my back.  And it’s not just talk…it’s from the heart and it’s sincere.  I know they mean every word of it.
God is just indescribably brilliant the way He knows what we need to hear right when we need to hear it most.  And really, I couldn’t love Him more for it than I do at this very second.
With all that I’ve just got one question that I need to ask you…How great is our God?

Dates in history

Lately I’ve been indescribably fascinated by history of dates.  Naturally I started with my birthday.  I wanted to know stuff about that day throughout the course of time.  Who else was born that day.  Who has died on Sept. 16.  What kinds of historical occurrences happened.  You know, stuff like that.  I know that Nick Jonas was born the same day, but a different year (thanks for pointing that out Rachel).  As well as numerous baseball players; much to my happiness of course.  :]  Even a few musicians and actors.  But my personal favorite historical moment that I learned about happened the day I turned 3, Tom Browning of the Cincinatti Reds threw a perfect game.  How awesome for some who’s so into baseball to read that!
Being as fascinated with the history of dates as I am lately, I looked up September 11 today, just to see what else other than the attacks of 7 years ago happened on that date in history.  Wikipedia is a great place that I spend a lot of time visiting on the internet.  So I was scanning the list of birthdays for Sept 11 and I see “Dylan Klebold: Columbine High School Massacre co-perpetrator”.  After I finished looking at the rest of the list and then going through the list of deaths and events Wikipedia posted I got the idea to look up April 20.  Which as some of you, if not all of you, know was the date of the Columbine shooting.  I wasn’t too interested in the births and deaths of this date, I just wanted to get to the events so I could go to the Columbine page from there.  Sure it would have been easier to just type “Columbine” in the search box but I had to be difficult.
It took me over an hour and about a 20 minute break for my shower to read through Wikipedia’s account of the shooting.  And as I did, I was completely zoned.  My mom was trying to talk to me from the sink which is behind me and I was focused so intently on the words on the screen in front of me (and had music on) I didn’t know she was talking to me.  Not to mention I couldn’t really hear her.
There has always been something about that event that has intrigued me.  Not in the sick “ooh that’s so cool” kind of way.  But more in the “why does it have to be like this” type of thought.  I mean seriously, why do teenagers have to be so terrible to each other that the only way they think to make it stop is for someone, or multiple someones, to bring guns and violence into the mix?
I remember coming home from school that day, I was in the 7th grade.  I walked through the door and instead of the usual soap opera that was on when I would get home, they were showing news coverage from Littleton.  A town that until that day I didn’t even know existed at a high school that would become well known all because of the actions of the two boys.  Anyway, so I walked into the living room and my mom just kept hugging me.  Now, there’s nothing weird about a mom hugging her daughter but on this particular afternoon, the hugs just didn’t stop.  I know she loves me, and she knows that I know but I guess on that particular afternoon after seeing the news and hearing the reports on what happened, there was probably some thought in her head to make absolute certain that I was aware of her love.
Something else I remember about that afternoon was actually watching the news.  I seriously sat down and watched.  Maybe it’s because I paid attention to such a tragic event that I’ve basically stopped watching the news or don’t read any newspapers or anything now.  Maybe because I only pay attention to the tragedy I don’t watch for the good stuff that could be happening.  But seriously, nothing good ever seems to be reported anyway.  So what’s the point in hoping for it to happen.
This world is sick.  Full of death, destruction, deceit, corruption, violence, abuse, and a myriad of other sick and twisted things that I just don’t wanna hear about.  I don’t want to be ignorant to my surroudings but I don’t want to hear the same terrible news stories day after day either.  I know it sounds weird for me to be saying not to hope for something while fully believing in hope.
I guess it’s kinda strange to being talking about the Columbine tragedy the day after the 7-year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks.  But in a way, there’s a connection all because one of the shooters from Columbine was born on 9/11.  Kinda ironic how that all works out but as tragic as each day’s events were, and as much as they saddened many people, God was there.  In all of it.
The point of this wasn’t to stir up people’s grief and sadness they may have inside of them from either day in history.  More of a reflection on the truth that no matter the circumstances…good or bad…God is there.  Always.  And it is my hope that we never forget that.

Last straw…

How many times do I write about not doing this thing called life alone.  Too many.  How many times do I listen to myself?  Never.  Everybody else seems to listen.  Seems to hear what I’m saying.  So why don’t I?  You’d think by now I would have learned that these people in my life now, aren’t gonna burn me.  I can talk to them, so why, when I really needed somebody was I so silent?
I had a thought come to me about that whole thing this morning.  If I don’t start opening up and letting people in, those who have been open with me, might stop.  Not that having people being open with me should be the deciding factor in whether or not I open up to them.  That just sort of came to me and I was sitting there, stunned.  Remembering the words of Ecc. 4:9-12 and how much I say I need to work on it, but keep doing nothing.  Will this finally be the last straw?

Politics and me…

Politics is one of those things that as a general rule in my life, I don’t get caught up in.  However I do appreciate the right to vote and exercise it regularly in each election that presents itself.  That is usually as deep as my political involvement gets since I’m a firm believer in “don’t bitch if you don’t do anything to initiate change”.  Since I’m in the mood to talk about them, however, I have a thought about the whole party system to share.
Yesterday morning before going to work my dad and I went to Parker Varney to vote.  This election was for governor, congress, senate, and other smaller positions of government.  So as I walked into the school behind my dad all bleary eyed and still half asleep I had no idea it was one of those elections that requires me to choose between the Rep. and Dem. parties because I’m supposedly “undeclared”.  Really, I’m not, but apparently choosing Indenpendent isn’t good enough.  Because it’s not a “major” party so it goes in as undeclared.  What a crock.  I’m a member of Indenpent party and proud of it!  So you guessed that means I’ve made my declaration.  Ugh, I really hate politics.  They’re positively ridiculous.  Seriously how ridiculous does it sound to you that because I’ve chosen not to be a member of either the Rep. or Dem. parties I’m forced to choose betwen them in order to participate in certain elections?!  Is it really that hard to just create one ballot of all the candidates for everyone, party affliation aside?  I guess it must be, at least for these kinds of elections, because in November when I go to vote for the next President they won’t ask me.  I only know that because I’ve participated in the Presidential elections before and didn’t have to choose between Dem. or Rep.
I feel like your party affliation shouldn’t matter when you go to vote.  You should be able to go to your designated voting place, tell them your name and receive a ballot without the added ludicrousness of declaring one party over another in order to participate.
I’m not totally sure but I wonder if my sudden constant thought or action in reflection to the political world has to do with getting older.  Cause more than I’ve ever done before, I’ve been paying attenion (in moderation mind you) to what’s going on, not enough however that there aren’t things I’m still completely clueless about but I’m getting better.  I guess there comes a point in everyone’s life where their perspective shfits and things that weren’t even visible in the rear view mirror suddenly appear just ahead of our blind spot.  And because of that we begin to take notice and have opinions of things we’ve never dealt with before.

Life is precious

Life is precious.  Whether you’re 2, 15, 28, pushing 94 or a developing fetus in the mother’s womb.  All life is precious.  The circumstances in which the life was created may not be precious or desirable but the very life is still precious.  Every life that has been created was done so by the greatest artist, the Ultimate Creator – God.  If desctruction was His ultimate goal, then I would have no standing ground on which to write this particular blog.
The very subject of which this is about is one that I have yet to write about.  There is potential for arguments to be stirred up by it but that’s the beautiful thing about opinions, everybody has one and although you may find people who agree with yours, you’re almost guaranteed to find twice as many people who disagree with you.  Loudly.
Abortion.  It’s one of those subjects that the two sides get down and dirty with each other.  I’m not looking to get down and dirty.  But if you support it, you’re not gonna like what I have to say and that’s fine.  I’m not looking to sway anybody who supports it to change their mind and suddenly be against it because of the words written by one person.
This world is full of so many people.  Each with their own set of values and beliefs.  Some people I’m sure have no opinion on abortion, not because they don’t care but because in some cultures, I would not be shocked to learn that it’s never been an option.  However, in the US, it’s an option that is mentioned far too often.
Whether you meant to end up pregnant or not doesn’t matter.  The fact is abortion is a cold, calculated form of murder.  I don’t care if you’re the nicest person on Earth but going through with abortion makes you a murderer.  Obviously not on the same scale as creeps like Charles Manson and Jeffrey Dahmer or even Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris (the boys from Columbine).  But still…the point is abortion is murder without actually saying it.
By now you’re probably wondering what I think about girls who are raped or molested and become pregnant.  Like I already said, the circumstance in which you become pregnant doesn’t matter.  The life that is created is still precious.  Abortion is still murder.  And it’s still wrong.  Although in the case of a teenager who’s pregnant wanting to have an abortion to duck out of taking responsibility (if it’s not a case of rape or molestation) there is a far better solution.  It’s called not having sex and there you go, problem solved.
There is still one more thing that may have crossed your mind that you wanna know my thoughts on.  Selective reduction.  Seriously, how can any human being with a soul look at a pregnant woman and the father and bring up “selective reduction” as an option with a straight face?!  That’s horrible.  I mean I get it, the higher the number of fetuses the bigger the risk is for the pregnancy.  Not just for the babies but for the mother too.  But come on, who wants to choose which child(ren) suffer when there’s still no guarantee that the process won’t put the other children and the mother’s lives at risk anyway?!
Plain as day it is stated in the Bible “You shall not murder.” (Ex. 20:13)  Abortion and selective reduction both fall under the umbrella of murder and are both way beyond wrong.  Outside of dishonoring your parents there is no sin greater in its magnitude than murder.
If pregnancy is a risk to the woman’s health than she shouldn’t be having sex to begin with, period.  However, I understand there might be some cases where pregnancy isn’t a health risk until after the conception of the child.  And in such cases the doctor may suggest abortion as an alternative to not dealing with the possibility of a miscarriage.  But ask Tim Tebow (Florida Gators Jr. QB) and his family how big God’s miracles can be when that’s the case and the answer is bringing Mrs. Tebow and the fetus safely through the pregnancy and resulting in a healthy baby who grows up into the collegiate football star Tim has come to be.
Maybe I sound like an ultra-conservative nut, but I’m really not.  I just get really passionate about my views on abortion.  Abortion is murder.  Murder is wrong and therefor I believe wholeheartedly that abortion should be 100% illegal as well.  No exceptions.  Ever.
Life is precious.  God doesn’t create the fetuses for us as humans to destroy them.