Friendship: An Examination of Conscience

Ask yourself these questions to find out if your friendships are healthy or if they are risking idolatry.

1. Am I jealous of my friend’s time?
There’s no point in my being jealous of a friend’s time.  Whether it is spent with me or not.  A friend’s time is a friend’s time and I respect and appreciate the amount I get to spend with different friends.  So to simplify the answer…no I’m not jealous of my friend’s time.  No matter which friend you’re asking about.

2. When I am praying with my friend, do I place more importance on being with her or with God?
It’s important to me to acknowledge being with God while in the presence of friends.  However, I cannot really say that I’ve prayed with friends enough times to truly know this answer on a personal one-on-one or group of friends setting.

3. Am I able to truly pray for God’s will in my friend’s life?
Yes.  I want what’s best for my friends and God’s will (his best) is the best that could be for my friends.  So even when it may be something that I’m not a big fan of, I will pray for it because I want God’s best for that person (or people) .

4. When someone else is spending time with my friend, what is my first thought? My second?
I don’t even always know what my friends are doing.  I’m not a psycho stalker.  We have lives outside of each other, friendships outside of each other.  So it’s not so much that I don’t think about it, but I don’t worry about “oh great…now I’ll see less of this person” either.  There’s no need.  I spend time with my friends whether face to face, chatting online or texting when we are able and that is perfectly fine with me.

5. Am I insecure about my friendship’s ability to last?
Nope.  If a friendship is meant to last it will.  I would drive myself crazy walking around all the time questioning every friendship I have.  Realistically I know, not all the friendships I have now will remain.  Some will die completely, some will grow deeper and others will just maintain the status quo.

6. Do I fear God’s plan for my friend’s life? Do I worry if it will include me?
Fear it?!  Why don’t you just ask me if I fear God will stop existing.  That’s a stupid question for me to worry about.  God knows what will happen with every friendship.  And again,  I don’t need to make myself crazy worrying about the status of friendships I have or will gain in the future.

7. Do I have to be the most significant person at all times in her life?
Nope.  And I wouldn’t wanna be.  I’m perfectly content with being one of many friends for tons of people.  There are a few people that I am closer with than others, but that is how it should be.  I don’t need 2000 people knowing every little detail about me and my life.  And I don’t need to know every little detail about 2000 people and their lives either.  That’s just insane.  And would make it impossible to be fully present if my mind is racing about everyone else while I’m with a particular group or individual.

8. Do I find myself manipulating circumstances so that we can spend time together?
I don’t have the time or resources to manipulate things like that.   Nor the personality to even consider such a thought. Not to mention, there are those things called circumstances beyond my control that can’t be changed too.  Which makes it so much easier to enjoy the times I do get to spend with friends.  Manipulation is a negative tool and I wouldn’t feel like I deserved the time if I manipulated for it.

9. Am I honestly excited when my friend gets to be used by God in another person’s life, or do I wish I could have been a part?
Completely excited.  I love hearing about those times.  I’m not the only person God works through.  That’d be kind of hard to do since I don’t even know every person in the city of Manchester…never mind every person on this planet.  So no, I don’t feel like I want a piece of the “thunder” of being used by God that my friends get when it’s a situation that doesn’t involve me.

10. Am I jealous of signs of affection between my friend and others (gifts, hugs, etc.)?
No.  Not at all.  Don’t see the point in being jealous.  Again…my friends and I have friends outside of each other.

11. Am I fearful of losing my friend?
Why…so I can drive myself crazy freaking out about that too?  No thank you.  If a friendship is supposed to end, it will end.  Whether I want it to or not.  Whether I like it or not.  It doesn’t scare me.  But I’m not a fan of the concept either.

12. Is God enough?
More than.  If only I could truly live that out all the time.

13. Do I have faith in God’s care over me?
Yes I do.  He’s been taking care of me since forever.  I see no reason to worry that He would stop.

14. Do I have faith in God’s sufficiency for me?
Yup.  But again…living it out all the time would be fantastic.

15. Do I understand that I deserve nothing of what I have?
Yup.  It’s kinda cool to think about.  Makes the grace that covers my life so much sweeter.  Cause I don’t deserve it.  I do things to screw it up all the time.  It’s still there.

Definitely think you should all take the time to think about and answers these questions too.  Even if you don’t share them with others…just to kind of evaluate yourself in your friendships.

*Got these from a STV article, magazine for FCA.
http://www.sharingthevictory.com/vsItemDisplay.lsp&objectID=7E655501-9021-44CD-A3F03936A20F371F&method=display

Revelations shared again :)

Before you read any farther I need to kinda give the “history” behind this blog.  I wrote it after Deep Freeze 2008.  So the things that are “new” revelations…haven’t been new for over a year.
I feel like I should have expected God to use a Hawk Nelson song to get a hold of my heart at some point considering how much I love listening to them. The only problem I have with that was the timing of when the tears fell. I was sitting at my desk at work with some of the guys in the office with me. I wasn’t too happy about that cause there wasn’t a thing I could do to stop the tears, granted I didn’t try too hard but still….You know how I feel about people seeing me cry. I do not like it…at all!
Anyway there is a reason for the tears and it wasn’t just because I was thinking about the weekend, or things that were flooding my mind. It was more like the people that were flooding my mind and the reason they were all pouring in. Between the thoughts her comment started and the actual conversation I had with Christine today I had yet another revelation. Yup, I’m full of revelations lately. And you’re just the lucky people’s that get to read them.
So on to this new revelation. I remembered that when I was between the ages of 12 and 15 constantly saying that when I was 18, that was it…no more church for me, no more God, no more religion and I wasn’t ever making my kids go. Not so much because I felt forced but more because I still didn’t completely get it. And since I only could remember on my own the experiences of one church, I decided if that was what all churches were like, I was out.
Which brings me to Sept. of 2002. The first time I went to a Sunday morning service at MCC. And guess who got my attention? Did anybody guess God? Well if you did…darn you’re smarter than you look! Hahaha jk I love you all. I went to school that week with “Still I Will Worship You” stuck in my head every day and I couldn’t remember the name of the song so basically I found myself wanting to go back to hear it again and figure out what the heck the song was called. Okay okay so I still haven’t gotten to the revelation or why I ended up crying.
Ready here comes the revelation. If I had actually held true to my word, and stopped going to church or caring about God or whatever after I turned 18, there are a myriad of AMAZING people (little kids, teenagers, adults) that I wouldn’t know at all. So many in fact that I can’t even name them all without making this blog disgustingly long. Let’s just say that as each name crossed my mind the tears flowed a little faster and I’m pretty sure they started with thinking about a group of about 5-6 girls. Although I couldn’t completely swear to that fact. The last one to intensify the tears were Becca and Jordan.
Basically I was convinced that if I had walked away, I’d be strung out on alcohol in some ditch somewhere with more kids than I could ever afford to feed, clothe, etc. Ya, I know, that doesn’t sound like anything that would match how most of you know me but I was thinking in slight terms of family history. Not an exact replica but my twist of how it would have played out in my life.
With all of that said…the list of people I wouldn’t know, wouldn’t love….grows all the time.  Kinda awesome is incorrect.  Completely awesome is correct but seems so not enough to tell you how I feel about it all.

Nothing makes it okay…

What is wrong with people? It’s bad enough a teenage girl gets gang raped, beaten up and robbed outside her high school but there were witnesses to this terrible fiasco.   Who didn’t do a damn thing to help her!  Things like that make me realize why I’m not a fan of humanity 98% of the time.
I don’t care if the girl is beyond drunk.  Nothing and I repeat nothing will ever make raping a girl (of any age) okay.  I don’t care if she’s scantily dressed either…that’s still no invitation for rape.  There’s not a reason in the world you could give me that could possibly make rape okay.
Okay so there is a reason for this otherwise seemingly out of left field explosion on the subject of rape.  I was checking my email Tuesday morning for probably the 20th time.  Just making sure I wasn’t missing anything important or anything at all for that matter.
So when I refreshed the page it brought me to the headlines screen I guess you would call it.  I usually glance at it as it goes through the different area of news they have stories on in that moment.  If something catches my attention I’ll read it.  (Hey what do you know!  I’m actually reading news stories!)  Okay so anyway.  I saw a headline that was odd and wanted to read the story behind it.
The particular headline for this story was “2 arrested in ‘disturbing’ HS crime”.  Disturbing?!  Gang rape and pounding the crap out of a teenage girl…and you call it disturbing?!  You’re disturbed.  Cause actually….that is more than disturbing.  That is despicable!  Things like this really make me dislike the media too.  Not just the losers that participated in this crime or the ones who witnessed it but didn’t have the balls to do anything to stop it!
I don’t care if she was the girl nobody likes.  Or maybe she doesn’t like anybody.  Whatever…the moral of my beyond angry rant is that nothing will ever make rape (gang or individual) acceptable.

Ready for the explosion…?

This is nuts!  More so because I actually started this rant a week ago and I still haven’t gotten it off my chest…Okay so the thing that drives me the craziest about what I feel a need to rant about is I generally pride myself on not needing a guy to hold me up.  Rest assured however, that has not changed.  I’m still standing, breathing, living on my own without some dude as a crutch…
I don’t care about money.  Social status can jump off a bridge for all I care.  I don’t need nor do I want a sugar daddy.  None of that guarantees love.
Degree or no degree people love me.  And that’ll never change.  So that shouldn’t matter either!  As long as you’re intelligent enough to hold your own in a conversation who cares what degree you have or don’t have or if you even went to college in the first place?!
And excuse me for a minute but who the heck at 24 or maybe even 28 and older has their entire life figured out and all that jazz?  No, I have a better question about that.  Since when is having your life figured out a requirement for a serious relationship?
Wanting to find someone with a personality you enjoy being around makes perfect sense.  Don’t even get me started on physical appearance and the crap I’ve seen and heard in reference there though.  That’s all so ridiculous especially when you hear a guy say “size 6 or smaller” or whatever.  Jerks!  We’re not all built the same and if you’re that picky you don’t deserve to find a girl…..wow sorry….got just a little ticked off there.

We’ll see how this all goes…

I began putting words down on paper…well relatively speaking…for my newest book idea last night.  Knowing the subject matter I desire to tackle in this new book I figured it should be easy.  Since it’s my reflection on the whole experience.  Well maybe I was a little bit disillusioned with that idea.  At least in terms of reliving some of the tough emotions in different moments that I’m looking back on for this new project.  And of course there is the need to be sensitive to certain topics even if I am changing names.  So unless you really know who’s who and who dealt with what, you’ll never be able to tell for sure.  Don’t ask me either cause I’m not telling you.
Right now I’m in the process of sort of describing what this book or “story” as it’s been dubbed within its text is going to tell you, the reader.  Also I’ve sort of begun to describe the main characters and their personalities too.  Not so much into the serious struggles and emotional portions just yet.
If you asked me why I’m doing this I can’t really be sure.  The only answer I can give you is that I remember someone (not protecting this person I just can’t remember who it was) said I could write a book with all the things I’ve experienced in being involved with a high school girls small group for 2 years and this one being the third year so far.   After much consideration and different times of at least trying to change names I’m finally getting past all the logistics to protect everyone involved in what I have to say.  Now I’m getting to the good stuff…well the meat of the story.  Cause some of it is not so good.
If any of you girls are reading this and freaking out, please don’t worry.  I’m not gonna give gory details that were meant to stay between you and I.  And I’m certainly not gonna copy and paste word for word any conversations we’ve ever had.  I’m reflecting on everything.  Giving my side of what was seen and heard.

The curtain’s up….what are you doing with it?

Jamie Tworkowski, founder of TWLOHA, was given the opportunity to write a blog for Alternative Press magazine online.  Pretty sweet stuff.  I’ll share the link so you can read if you want.  But I also wanted to ask and answer his questions.  The main jump off for his post. 
If someone gave you a microphone and a stage, what would you say and what would you sing? Whether the crowd was 10 people or 10,000, what would you make with the moment?
I am not so sure about what I’d sing but I definitely have a few things to say because this is my blog so hey doesn’t that make it my stage?
Life is a never ending adventure.  Sometimes it requires us to throw on our capes and be the hero.  Sometimes we are the damsel in distress in need of the hero.  Whatever the case may be, each life is different, and each life matters.  To someone.  Somewhere.  Most importantly, every life and every breath breathed on planet Earth matters to the One who created it all.  And always will…whether you acknowledge Him as Creator or not.  Whether you look to God for guidance and direction or not, you matter to Him because He created you!
We all have a story to tell.  Some choose to tell it in writing.  Some paint, draw, take pictures.  Some of us use our athletic abilities to tell our story or musical talents.  There are also stories told in the pain and despair of life and situations thrown our way.  There are stories of darkness too.  Emptiness.  Tragedy.   You might not want to admit or acknowledge but there are even stories told with scars.  Mentally, emotionally, physically and ya even spiritually.  Along with the stories of love.  Happiness.  Light.  All the world really is a stage and it’s up to you and me what we do with our stage when the curtains open and the lights go on. 
I was going to write a letter to the frontmen–the folks who sing in bands. I was going to say that there should be a system or some classes where they would be reminded that music is a very special thing; something not unlike a miracle, rich with history and the potential to move people and change lives. They would learn about urgency and honesty, the value of a moment and a song’s unique ability to cause people to feel, to remind them that they’re alive and that life is worth living.
This paragraph in Jamie’s post reminded me of something significant I learned last week.  About a teenager whom I love so deeply that her words I swear crushed my soul for a few minutes.  Until I reminded myself that she is still here and still breathing.
We are alive and life is worth living and I pray deeply with sincerity that I hope jumps out of my skin that if you get nothing else out of this post you would resonate with that deep in your souls!  We are not dead.  We are not forgotten.  I am not dead.  I am not forgotten.  You are not dead.  You are not forgotten.  You are alive.
I am still not 100% sure what I would sing if I had the opportunity.  But I think, for now, it might be “My Heart” by Paramore.  Minus the screaming part.  Or Sanctus Real’s new song “Forgiven”.
http://www.altpress.com/features/blogtwloha.htm
If someone gave you a microphone and a stage, what would you say and what would you sing? Whether the crowd was 10 people or 10,000, what would you make with the moment?

No this isn’t a monologue…

So I had an idea last night for a monologuish blog type thing.  Tried to write it out on paper.  Nothing I wrote worked or made me happy.  It was too short…too dark…just didn’t work for me.  I tried different ways of writing it down too.  Started different.  The middle was different.  I suppose however, since for reasons I’m not sure of, the age that kept popping up in my head for it was 16 that if I try again, you might find it somewhere else at some point.
There are still other thoughts floating around in my head.  Maybe I’ll have better luck spitting those out to share with you instead.

Can’t we all just get along?

I don’t get why there are a gazillion different denominations under not only the Protestant umbrella of Christianity but also the Catholic and Judaism umbrellas also.  I guess believing in and following Jesus with our lives has turned into competition too.  Really, what is the point?  Why can’t we all just get along?
Honestly, if you’re Baptist or Methodist or non-denominational, you all read the same Bible so how the mess of believing different things came about, I really cannot comprehend.  The words written in the Bible are clearly important and not meant to be ignored.  Also they shouldn’t be twisted to fit our individual belief systems or to ease our conscience.  No, we should instead mold our way of thinking so that it reflects what is written in the Bible.  True, that is easier said than done but it’s not impossible.
I’m not trying to make anybody mad or turn people off.  This is just something I was thinking about and something I think about randomly all the time.  So I decided I would share my thoughts.  I understand that we have the freedom of religion but do we really need more denominations in these religions than I can even comprehend?  Somehow, I don’t think so, and yet they’re all so very present.
I looked up Christian denominations on Wikipedia and was astounding to learn that there are 38,000 plus denominations, but not all of them verifiable or legit.  Is it just me or does anybody else think that’s a little nuts too?
Let me put it to you this way, I was raised in the Presbyterian Church.  Well more specifically PCUSA.  But I had no idea there were like 20 or so sects or whatever you call em within that denomination.  That’s a tad extreme.

I haven’t forgotten…

I remember where I was.  Walking the halls of West High School. It’s a situation I can tell you my outfit on that particular day as well.  Green plaid shirt over green tank top and jeans. Writing novels instead of notes to friends that day.  Expressing sadness, shock and disgust that humans could be so terrible to fellow humans.  That the lives of those on the planes and in the buildings were seen as worthless.
Being one of the students in my algebra class begging our teacher to let us turn on the tv to watch the news.  And really, I don’t think it was just because none of us wanting to do schoolwork.  Although, obviously, none of us were complaining about not having to do any. Something terrible was happening to our country and we wanted to know what it was.  And not when we got home after school, but right then, as it unfolded that Tuesday morning.
I don’t remember who it was now but I knew people who were supposed to have been on the flight out of Boston that day.  But for one reason or another, they didn’t get on it.  Relatives of friends worked in NYC or maybe right in or near the WTC, I can’t remember anymore.  But I know for some of my closest friends, relief of not losing loved ones that day really hit.  At the same time the grief and sadness for all the lives that were lost was hitting.
Such a day in history that I cannot forget.  And I don’t plan on forgetting anytime soon.

This is what happens when I’m still and silent…

Have you ever looked back at things you’ve written in the past?  Have you seen the hurt jumping off the page in the most genuine way that it broke your heart for the you that once was?
Honestly I experienced it not too long ago.  In working on my book I decided I would reread my story that I wrote in high school.  During the worst time of my life.  When my life consisted of cutting and constantly fighting with friends.  Losing friends over things that were petty and dumb.  Plus a few other things that I won’t tell you.
I don’t remember why I started the story or why I wrote it the way I did but I guess knowing the things I went through, it makes perfect sense that it would be written that way.
I looked at this particular part of the story and I actually cried.  Not because of what was going on in the story but because I knew that the things I had expressed in the story at the time were also really going on in my heart in sync with the words on that page.  The worst feeling back than was hands down feeling like my best friend didn’t need me.  And that, was the scene being played out in the story.  The scene that made me cry.  Almost 8 years later.
Right now, I feel like I could cry thinking about the friends I lost back then because we’re talking again.  We’ve spent time together.  And to think, I just lost my temper and exploding over nothing at one of them.  That friendship isn’t one I should be fortunate to have again.  Even if it’s no where near what it used to be.
Okay I need to stop now.  This is getting too overwhelming to think about.  All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you!